1. Amrican Poet Ravaging Pain By R. Cary

Amrican Poet

Ravaging Pain

PART I

Intro

An acquiescence of faith regained

Pure misery in my journey

But just let it out, analogy after analogy

Excruciating tenderness in existence is my goal

Noting the savagery of the human condition

To persevere from within a lost soul

To bring you, reader, pure faith, human faith

A whisper began it all, a whisper

Tainted my sight

A whisper hissed into my soul, a whisper 

Unleashed as pained grief

A whisper gathered me, as inconsistent thoughts

A whisper broke me into fragments, fragments of self 

A whisper woke me, gathering my shattered self, 

A whisper resurrected me from my sight of hell

Devilish tones have arisen, engulfed in flames of devoured faith

I listened, softly, he spoke to me, with the slightest of slithers

Settings of grief despised, flourishing between tones of monotony 

And skies of replenished disruption of torment

Pain lives in me as torment 

Repression of a life endured

Pain exudes from me as litanies

In a life in demise

Pain, I mention of contented reprimand of

Me to delusions of self

Pain has tortured me, scoped in faults

Built in lack of faith in the moments next

Being is excruciating in me, slaying my

Sense of self with wrath and fury

Of disgust of what lacks inside of me

In lays rapture's engrossment of self-loathing

In fears of a life in painted lacking,

Said acquiescence delivered through antiquated

Beliefs in archaic forms of a history told,

Lastly you define unwarranted feinting of movement

Living in outward conveyance of layers innate

In between depths of scope, latent in banal life

Of external perception conjured in layers of entwined depth;

Living in me as exposed internal conflict of

Deciphered melancholy, disturbed tranquility living as faith

Hell haunts me with intent and pursuit

Scaling my sins, shedding each layer 

Of unrelenting disdain;

Further I reveal, my nature of self-sabotage

Further I endure my painful artfulness of

Damaging pursuit;

Inflicted within me, hauntings in disguise,

Fathoms of demons excrete themselves upon me,

Inescapable self pain

I walk into the claws of hell flaunting

My written disgust of humanity and flames;

Burning is my soul with inept peace denied,

Scolding I am, with hate of inner demise;

Unreciprocated pain daunts me to hell

Failing belief in that which I hold so dear,

The flames of hell burning against my sins,

My demise looms with an evanescence of flames

Daggers of defeat protrude, pain

Inwards to its points of depth;

Unknown to bleed from me, my 

Cracking self

I will devour your pain and consume

Your soul of inward hate;

Attempts at denial, a beating 

Heart of painful mournfulness;

Layer upon layer I reveal perceptions

Of belief saturated in tainted

Guises of perpetual lies

My heart tears destructive torment of unrelenting pain,

Uncompromising slashing of that I hold near;

Come for me, all I ever knew, all I ever endured,

Misspoken words, as I bathe in denial, as I bathe

In fervor of tainted fears, my destruction is here

All that I hold, all that I miss, all that made me feel

I feel your pain of emotional torment, disguised in

What exists as your externalities of perception, your calm

Reserve hiding what you are, living in your perspective

Of lies, living in your delusions told through stories 

In your eyes, in your blind belief that you are someone you are not

It pains me, to watch you exude your unpleasantries upon 

This earth, your painted sins as things that simply are,

As told stories of manufactured belief, as lived hatred

Of yourself, as enumerated flames of disguised

Moral turpitude, but in all human truth, what you

Exude cannot be brought in this world with the pain of your breath

Crafted in your soul excites banal emptiness in your human defined culture of forgotten losses

Disciple of sins past

The darkness in my eyes storms with imperfections; wrinkles of self

Darkness;

Once you know darkness, it haunts you with its ghosts of your tainted past

Disdain;

Disguised in duration of time

Dreadful Tears;

Dreadful tears illuminate the breath of my soul

Essence;

You feel my essence bleed into your existence;

Existential crisis averted through faith in my forms of theories past

Sighted deliverance of one's needs through platforms of undeliverable consciousness,

Faith in forms past written in stone delivered and procured from one to the last

Unbroken in thought, living in history's fate, written in humanity,

Feelings of defeat waivers in guilt of sins past

Hell arises from the depths of your consciousness layered in deception of a fateful demise

Destruction looms as decadent decor of rhythmic fluctuations;

I felt you, the guilt of your consciousness bled from the pores of my tears

If you tell me of your broken heart, I will redeem you

In my life occurs an insatiable death of the evil disturbed in my soul

My hate and anger looms as an extravagant disease

My soul grazed the furnaces of hell

My soul has bloomed to a ripened existence from an existential death

I fear for the pain in my soul, for that which strides within me

Its uncompromising tone, its near religious affect, its scars upon me;

Loathing in veins of ignorance, bliss once accrued, lost in demons past

Torn to pieces with shredded shards of pain

I sought you in the rivers of disguise

This ravenous rage infiltrates my hardened existence

With contemptuous rain of the blood of Hades soul

Poured upon as droplets of tormented pain, burning lesions endured by my skin

Blistering my pain from within, arisen from the depths of my pulsating heart, as I bleed into

Existence;

Rejected by Hades himself, as my bleeding pain caused him too much to bare

Your pain issued upon me reeks of the putrid puss you exist in

Your stank and enduring existence of petulant contempt cries from your soul

Your disturbed soul ignites my pain of fury past

Tormented demise arises as my essence, 

Uncured fostering of unrelenting pain

Guised in disgust

Give me your sins and I will endure your pain

Lead me inward and I will cure your soul

Pave me a path and your disdain will be removed

A Lot in me your existence of tormented hell

And I will appease your demented lies

He listens, closely, quietly; waiting for your faith to wonder,

You begin to hear him, slowly, answering, disguised

As a voice of your beckoning call

You desire his path onto him, carving it, welcoming it;

His slow and seditious slither paces your torment

In time, his existence precedes you, his desires to become your will

Until you no longer know, you have been deceived

Fear lives inside of me

A disguised will of faith

A declined unconscious upon my soul 

My heart broke, my sweat smelled of my pain

Pores widened and scoped in denial,

Open to my rotted inside

Forever my misery will rest in my anguished soul

Expected birth of your rot inside of me

Extolled deliverance surmises in me

Extravagance belittles you, deprives you in me

Begging for mercy, 

Begging for the Gods to tell me it is not true, 

A mirage of foreign intervention

I ventured toward him

Isolated and self-exposed

Raptured in self hate and denial

Weak and broken from self defeat

A self-disposition perfect for him,

An exposure of my frailty

An exposure of his delight

A perfection of prey I became

As he hissed his essence upon me

A double edged tongue surrounding me,

Soon tangled in his myth

Until my will lacked my own;

My fate spoken as a hiss of betrayal

A fate no longer my own, a fate

Exposed in self defeat and

Hatred of all I became, a

Fate delivering me to entrapment

Of my soul to burn in history

As one forgotten, as one who failed

I roamed this earth scouring and weakened

Crippled by the devourer of my soul, the

Tearer of hearts, the evil of human existence

As a liar in those that wake with evil

In his strides, assertive of his wayward

Ways upon us with intention in thought

To evil and destruction on those they hold

Disdain against, but crippled from my own self

With my disposition with this devil, as

A manifestation of his will, sought by me,

In a crowded sea, I gaze, I stare until

I see, the weakness hidden in what he believes

And attempt to hide, but gaze at me with 

Light above, a sign of his signs

Crippling his step, shined upon me for 

I to see, to expose you, to deliver you,

To guide you into the path of your

Destruction, simply because, I can see you 

Weakened, I can feel you hobble in the 

Faintness ripples of life, in your most private

Innermost consciousness, you expose yourself

To me, and I you, to them

Deciphered pain excruciating in your hands of fate,

An acclimated existence to its addiction of afflictions innate,

Born into you as misery to the spirit of death

Savage growth of despair looming over my soul

Unweathering in torment, dialectical in nature;

My self longs for relief from this virus of cause;

Conversations in negation, a show of self against despite

Growing is in me, a constant state of undesired despair

Pain disguised as lucidity flickering 

To relinquish faith to ill born hate

My relentless pursuit of all that could be, 

Haggles my faith between tones of deafness 

And strings of symphony

Undelivered my pursuits become, 

Exhaustion takes its toll on what has 

Previously remained undead for me,

I cannot express enough;

Movement becomes a distillation process

Of slow drips of what it is to be made, 

But lacking the volume of what is in need

I only ask reprieve, no, that resolve arrives 

In its due course, 

As my life is saturated with 

Tainted spots of pursuits that have been burned

I grabbed you the beast of hell compelling you through brute force of will 

Down to the Bowels of earth, existing as anxiety of a ridden state 

I deliver you beneath the molten of this earth, devouring your strength 

So you will fear humanity's existence, our pure faith 

That I have bled into your veins making you quiver in fear in your mere thought of 

Returning to torment another human's soul

Dig into hell's grave, fire your flame into the damaged souls of goodness distaste 

Deliver the devilish demons with the wrath of St. Michael's wrath, 

With the burden of sins upon this world as your atlas shrug of existential intent,

Bathe in the blood you drain, scour the dimensions of heaven and hell following 

Scented trails of excrement distorted in paths of brilliance deceived;

Conquer the defeated, 

Slay the perceptions of instilled fear,

Guide the hands of those disposed 

Against their will, exist in the pursuit 

Of that which fractures our souls

Deliciated thoughts inclined in duress, instability arising as nocturnal tones

Atoned grief as tainted belief in lured perception beyond grasp, 

A longing in sensations of my humanistic pain

Penetrating, as what hints at me creeping into my existence; crawling into my soul,

Lucidity has arisen as either heaven or hell, undefined sight of a consciousness unknown; 

My pursuits arising, ill defined, yet begging into nature

A falling soul lost in a forest of haunted faith asking, will anger hear me? 

Screaming in my excruciating tone of being, tattered and tainted self,

As a last piece of light drifting just above hell

Clarity of intentions delighting

Lack of definition inviting

My soul itches with disease, a rotted corpse shedding its flesh

As a manifestation of self, a malignant cantor of inward indignation;

Pain is my misery of comfort, a long forgotten soul 

Left to wither in decay as I am now all alone, sorrowing, long overdue 

I cannot stop fractured seams of guilt, waiting in allure, but unable to see, what will come for me

Reminiscent in desire, appalled by my denial, hope always looming, hope always adrift

As I always was, struggling to be, essential belief wavering in denial

Faith of a tormented soul lingers in tantalized formation accruing 

In distaste, latency cuts itself as benign, unable to cure my prolonged disease;

I am a furor of fate, an icon of all that can be living in disdain of his own failures of

Accrual; a believer in the Good, for passion of being, a tolled existence waning in days 

I, lacking conveyance of all I could be, but withering I am not, strength endures, a panel of

Tempted souls will rise to ensure, for in return, history is built, in turn, I wait

I am long overdue, a blissful state of endurance

I will rise, as the Blonde Beast entails, a triumph of self, littered in disguise, a blissful

Appeal rapturing my soul, atonement longing to be, deliverance forthcoming, shedding

Skins of litany in requests

Destructed preludes of self, a self-negating sabotage of theories apprised, within

Scolding adornment lurching within me, teasing in me hope of betterments arrival, 

A lacking disposition of inward recognition of insightful vision to my soul, of a belief in

What it is I am to be, a lost translation in sinful spite of deceived self-purpose and 

Self-pursuit, a guided muse of ignorance and naivety, in turn laying in me, my humanity of 

Disgrace

Without effort in effect, without consciousness of conveyance, a mere assertion of unknown will 

A rising of the self from shadows of darkened light, an exuded soul bringing light into the 

Darkness, a perpetration of gathered spirits in angelic descent lifting me to...

You can deliver with the swiftness of a stare or the slither of your tongue, issuing a statement of

Fear or pure belief; 

Engage with what releases you, sickening death in living in the fears that quell you, the thoughts

Of awful perception trapping you in disdain, inwards, a self defeating factory of petulance

When all you have to do is rise, disengage from that you live in, flood the water from your soul

So your fire may burn, burn with your fury of passion, burn with your evanescence of your

Eternal soul burning through eternity with oils of fuel never ending, let that flame burn with

Your anger and distrust, your belief and faith as a passion of sinful thought once believed, now

Known as that which you are

There was a day in my life when I surrendered my soul to that which was not part of my own

I lived in existence of lustful acquiescence to my human inclinations, impulses of my most

Primal urges, impulses I could not control

To be exhumed as once touched

By the soul of my feet I will rise 

I will rise to all that challenges

My disposition of faith and belief

I will deliver upon this world that which is my own

I will not falter, I will not be defeated

I will exist in what it is only I can be

Your deconstructed baneful perception of early demise in your affluency to be pursued

I will deliver my sad exultation of demented distortion of ending luminescence of a sinful demise

Perception of anger lays in intended stories of truth

In my story you will live as antiquated sins endured as a perception of death

In me you will further, in me you will die

Your pain is delivered from my thrusts of disdain

You feel me penetrate through hatred felt

Hate, you are the disdain of my existence

Riling in me what I have not known

Anger as a tool of passion, disguised

As moral justification of purpose and defense

Quainted faith

Exuberance is a drift in me,

Last is my soul

Petulance arose

Flaunted as joy, but reactive to pain

Every breath lacking in existence

Sits in me as distaste of undo pleasure

Disguised as fluidity in nature’s rise

You are an incredulous art form of perception

Your pain is measured in suppressed acquiescence;

My perpetual mode exists in unity of the soul, 

In your life you have splintered into duality of faith

Subjected to ridicule of disdained hate, spited with smiles and smirks

I will no longer live in the tortured treatment of my soul, reckoned to be the degradation of

Myself, a collected effort of ambitious demise

It is not in me to just be, it is not in me to rest in the baneful mundane of our idealistic dreams

Defiance occurred as characteristic definitions 

Procured in lingering acts of sustenance

I rip, I slay evil from the bowels of hell, from the flames of my history

Past, from disdain of fervor against horns of devilish defeat

There was a day in my life I bore the grimace of faith,

Told me of mortality, bathed me in sin

Your world is changing, paradigm shifts a thought

Volatility listening to extended grief

Stunted but growth not halted;

Ancient archetypes lurk my existence,

Narrated in time as stories told

Living in lacking sensations of 

Segmenting identity distorted in

Definition of a self perturbed

I broke the wrath of the river, the stream I gaze, the glories I broke, the shield I held

Shed the skin should the tears of paralyzing fear be no more; tantalized in myopic faith

I am a perceiver of human faith, of dignity longing

Being is a perpetual state of existence, a constant consummate of self

Contemplated memories in lucidity dismembering

I shall scold you with my grin, bathe you in the sins of my depth, deplore you into the furnace of 

A coaled demise shoveling your ignorance beyond my defeat, loathing in your own quivering;

Distant domain, forever you are delivered as the unconscionable soul you are

I begged and pleaded for existence not to be, screaming and yelling, don't let it be true

Pain dug into me with exertion I had not known, my essence draining in despair

Buried in a tomb, in the desert of myths

Faintness of breath, my soul exhumed

Puttering is my heart, consciousness loomed

With one faint breath, I gathered my wit,

Leaving touched with my glory slain

Fortitude, fortitude of strength, of faith in our strength 

Rests in the souls of our feats, in the arches of our souls and 

In the balance of our gait

To stand up, once again today

To rise with my feet to use my strength again and again today

To propel ourselves forward, to live in our own strength of fortitude

To live in the faith that today I may rise again, standing with pride 

In my strength, as our daily symbol of faith

I will smother you in your own grief, bury you in the layers of this earth,

Back to the boiling rot of hell you arose from simmering you to a slow death

Molding you into the nothingness you arose from, from creation of myth

Only I can create you, only I can send you back to that which you came

Hear the consciousness of my roar, my perceptual twists that seal your fate,

The denial of your disdain for all that is good, stalking you as prey from the unknown

Devilish in disguise I was, delivering pain upon your evil feats of hell's hounds,

Step by step I cringed upon your existence, denying each breath from the next

Closing in I tighten, coil, you breath, you suffocate until you were all mine;

Tell me of your inadequate nature, I will tell you of your demise

Developed hatred of quainted torment suffering through,

Living against, this, wanted from within, covered

In a lack thereof, yet forewarned in painted

Landscapes, weathered through time as mine

Fire in my eye burning in my mind, flames as a furnace of figures

I am tired of my soul being ripped from my loins;

Look up, that is me 

Look down, my footprint lays

I will beat at your heart, I will beat

At your soul, a temperament of perfection,

An illusion of bliss, a conjured unison

Betraying my being;

I looked into your eyes, luring you in, in 

Acquiescence you are quelled, in your failures

You have faltered, in your pain I will live

When you are a man of light, the darkness will chase you with demons of your history’s past

Once you know darkness, it haunts you with its ghosts of your tainted malaise

Pain;

Pain and misery looms between;

Show me

Sins of fathers’ past,

Tainted souls of human disdain

Of, human pain

Tell me your fears and I will quail your sins

Tell me of your poignant soul and I will tell you of my demise

Tell me of your swooning dreams, of your inadequate nature

Tell me of your beautiful craft and I will show you my rage

Lost in human duress of meticulous spite ingrained

The beating of my heart lives in your fateful demise

The beating of my heart lives in your fateful guise

Your evil spewed from the consciousness of your soul

To return splattered in inked stains of grief

Baneful tendencies of inconsequential disease;

Give me your existence and I will bring you pain

Acceptance of self from the aggregate of self 

A congregated suggestion of realities undone, of 

Flaunted facets of faith, touched with each of us as 

Aspirations done, toned into existence between lies of similar fates

PART II

I cannot live as others live, in their joy in unquestioned thoughts, in faith and belief in the

Pleasures I wish I knew

I do not have what you have, I do not have, what I always wish I had, what I lack in me loathes

My existence

But I, I have so much more, so much to relish, so much to value, so much in common with those

That I cannot be

Yes, I live in the dichotomies of the storms of the east, the fires of the west, the hell of the south

And the heavens to the north, but in this paradox is where I exist, a pinpoint of human existence,

As a person who relates to all he is

From the whispers of Zofloya in his ear to the guidance from those that care; 

I, me, a person of inconsequential existence but a person who is loved and 

A person who loves, accepts all that is, the whispers in my ear, the unrivaled faith in all that should

Be; my perception in depths of reality constrained to my hate and anger, understood by my

Relentless belief in the human existence

Yes, I may be a dichotomy of swaying motion, but I am

Also, much more

A believer in love and faith, a warrior of human pain, a deliverer of being living as an unheard

Self, as a willer of human potential that will not fail and will not falter when faith and love

Transpires my existence

Love exists in each of us, down to the root of our soul

Love pursues us, as rays of light seeks us to exist

Love is the pursuit of what lies within is, our most innate desires

Love defines our movements, in our lives each day

Love is quintessential to our passions in life

Love is our path of human delicacies

Love is why we rise each morning, to experience it again, to experience it anew

Love, if forgotten, seeks us out, as while we forget

Love never dies;

Love ravages us with our emotional dispositions

Love entangles our thoughts blinding us to all others

Love, love is in each of us

Love arises of occasions of human bliss

Out of the arousal of humanitarian discovery, the fruition

Of our empathetic lives

We all have love living inside of us 

Daily, regardless of our ways, our yesterday, our behavior of past,

We pick ourselves up, we say today, today we will be better,

Today I can decide to be better, I can choose to live

In that I so desire, it is up to me, it is up to each of us to decide,

Will I make this day better than the last

I want to welcome you into my world, my artistic expression of human experience

Human freedom is a joy

You see in my world, I am incarcerated with thoughts of ambiguity, a duality of how to be and

How I am

I am a man of deep faith and care, without intent or purpose

What am I to do?

With this human experiences that is

You exist as a work of art, as a quintessential being, as purposeful design, created to create

I will tell you how, let go and have faith

All the rest falls into place, all the rest will lay by your

Side and sit with you as a friend, as your experience of human flesh

Try it now, let go and have faith

Those that will excitement, those that dream, those that excite, those that live

In the painted veil of ushered ineptitude of rhetoric undefined;

Live in dreams of denied perceptual belief

Only faith propelled me forward, only faith

Delivered me to you 

I write to you to remind me who I am, written as a portrait of lost feelings emerged, written as…

Let your imagination flirt, let your will be the guise

I was once sinned

I am a man of genuinely perverted nature of moral sin

I rose, tortured by demons of fate, glazed in excrement of the devil

Ah, that you hold within, accusatory in nature,

Dipped in haunted fate

Forgive you me, for perpetual distaste,

Loathing I was, from your ignorant state,

Fear unwoven, psychosis denied, hinted

Upon me is that which you deny;

For I am me, the best there ever was,

I engage with terror, shredding each after the other

One by one they have fallen, one by one, they will follow

How dare I not live in the shame of my own past

How dare I not live in my judgments of default 

To be persecuted against your self disdain, against inhibitions of self-demise

How dare I live free from your hate, how dare I not acquiesce to your beckon call

How dare I not behave as you presume I should

As I live in phantoms of lost perception,

Delusions of consequential will,

Beliefs guised in relentless temptations

Artistry of undefined will, tapestries of painted oils canvassing the sky of humanity

Life is characters swaying in motion, perceptions of thesis and antithesis, perpetual duality in

Pluralism;

Definitions of self endured,

I am a rhetorician inclined for purposeful design 

Fathomed to be distinctive tropes

Tell me of your sins I will tell you of your self denial;

Strength arising as a brute nature of force

I live in grimaces of unpleasure and demise

I live in torment feathers in disguise

I live in consumption of mind portrayed

I live in tainted faculties of myself displeased

Loneliness pulsates with each beating heart

Loneliness pervades me when my tears benign

Loneliness penetrates my existence of self

Loneliness protects me so my broken heart is at ease

Fainted in heart deceptions of sins occurred, 

Deciphered soul of lives past

The self is incurred as intolerance of society, as a weathered storm of perceptions endured

My soul burns with flames of glory and flames of pain, lit on sides both glaring without

Compromise, as one dwindles

Extravagantly told as in stories unheard, my life 

Glistened, listening for art to be, tearful; just faintly of berated unkind,

As I walk within my soul, I encounter within me, all my stories told 

Insanity arose in my existence, thwarted attempts at healing, belief in recompose dwindling in

Failed efforts of pleading faith as delusions of identity disguised as visions of heaven and hell; 

A discrepancy of thought, a denial of reality, a faltering grasp of what exists as bluntly so 

Fear, you live as a crisis of self, as a resolution of fate, as purpose in my existence

You decipher my rhythms, you break into my beat, you cause me to skip a step, to paralyze me

With hate;

I allowed you to elevate yourself in my life, to behave as my scripted soul of your control

But I, me, will conquer your empire of deceit in my life, will gain again, my own fate

My own existence 

Swaying ghosts of a pertinent past grasping lucidity of self with claws of hell, burdened

Upon me as...

Divided development of self hatred implored upon me as a delicacy of fate, a tainted past of

Expectations denied;

Further I enter, further I gaze upon self loathing as a benevolent act

I pounded you to the graves of glory

Tell me of your degradation of self, incurred fate of hell

Tell me of your rigid soul, your disdain of bliss

My essence lives as a dismal light of perpetual fear

Exquisite in nature, denying my soul freedom from the depths of dystopia

Tell me of that which bleeds, of which denies us our eternal selves, of that which sins of our,

Of our inadequate selves, of our perpetual twists of fate, sealed in us with that which bleeds

Failed faith lives in me as gained inheritance of familial history, as a self evolving fear of past;

Fear in our delusion's past; a family of sin passed from one generation to the next, as a catabolic

Encounter with self, as a self-eating corruption upon our souls

I fear what I fail, I fear to face it in introspection of self, to live in the drudgery of my distant

Self, an isolated self revocation from when I have failed, as fear of innate reflection of who I have

Become

The sins of our ears, a dovetail of evanescence scented of hearing pursuit,

In the will of the devil, delivered through rhetoric of angelic prophecies arisen as

Delusions of perceptual tastes acquired through humanity’s created temperatures of

Human prevail, of innate discrepancies, war of sins and pleasures, disdain and pain

Faith and glory; distinguished lines blurred through hell’s making of 

Mascaraed appeals to bridge atonement of ourselves with lights of feinted belief as

Pursuit within ourselves thought as the light in need bathed in his sins, a convalescent

Darkness hidden in me lead to against desires, as a tomb for ourselves by the horned

Wrath of Lucifer, his disguise in ourselves as light beheld, a sparkle of streams, our

Conscious fear, as routed in as, in the devil's disguise 

The self lives in an eternal state of history, as a constant state of disappearing from our 

Ghost of yesterday, as a displeasure of steps taken

Each day denied as history of decisions unknown, of behavior undefined, quelling our

Acceptance of our inadequacies, quelling the path we have chosen

In each of us is built an ability to let go, a self preservation of self to continue forward, as

Our abilities to simply keep on going, on our own path, haunted in state, but derived in illusions

Of history past

PART III

Before I was born I knew who I was

Your eyes grasped mine, the sound of my voice allowed my heart to beat 

As I grew I knew, I was as pure as rain 

My soul written years before, my life will be stories untold 

As we engaged, you learned who I am 

As I grew, I learned I always knew who you are 

My feisty disposition threatened my purpose, 

I was unsure if I was here for you if you were here for me, 

But with time I learned, guidance to be tamed, 

With time I learned, our young souls are simply craving to be 

Feelings inside are warm, adrift in 

Me arises a passion of pursuit, a semblance 

Of self as analytical belief in acquired

Fruition of deliverance delivered as an

Emotion of being, as a humanitarian tone

Humoring my soul into acquiescence of

Self defined as the soul, delivered

Through, undefined into aesthetics

Of self into the world to be experienced

As a perception of self by you and by others,

A life willed through experience of human fate

The fainted tick of my heart beats with bleeding purpose of pulse

A description of my unknown will, a compulsory affect streaming

Through my veins as each tick sparks in me a labyrinth of skill 

A pattern of behavior within me as a blossoming bud of intent

Alive in me rests a bleeding purpose of my pulse, a perfection of faith 

Desolate and distraught, living in the destructive sins of despair, 

With the disgust of self eating flesh, consuming my being from within

From self-negation as a battered and berated self, tempered into acquiescence

Of acceptance, sinking lower into my own imposed torment of fear;

Your arrogance leads you away from a soul enraptured in fear

Building your symposium of belief

I will meet you with the consumption of your soul,

Anger arrives as brute force of nature, pain assumed through lost feats of self, delved into grim

Outlooks of despair, atonement from afar lacking in air;

I have forged fires with patrons of saints, as delusions of a calling inclined, mimic'd as 

Assertions of truths, as sins of destiny in delusions of truth

As the devil snarled his nostrils

A disciple of faith, weatherer of storms

Beating pulses exploding as inspiration to pursue, veins gorging and feeding me into existence,

Into will of speculative temptations at hope and faith of dignity restored

Categorically denied delusional thoughts of innate desires of human pursuit, of

Congruence with fate, as misappropriation of mind and consciousness, as a man left to

Face his own inward destruction built in his own faith of wanted human relief, as a

Sole thinker left to his thoughts, dismissive of life as his own, pained in failed faith

But not lacking will or acceptance, just consciousness of acceptance to become

Longing to be an aspiration of kindled fire, sparking in imagination, colored imagery of human

Inspiration, a pattern of rhythms beating in each, as arose through lucent stoking of flamed

Colors of desires

Love, it is the passion of your soul, antiquated in the greats, but longing in this day

Locked with a key, hidden, to be unlocked when all is well, you wait and you

Endure

What feels like eternity in turn, a round procession of semblance denies you passion of what

Beats

Tell me of your eclectic nature, your vision of sincerity torn into flakes of essences,

Fragments of totality inhibited

To be left to my solitude bleeding from my veins of both grief and blind faith

Understood and accepted, but struggling to acquiesce, I peruse myself for 

Exploration of a path unknown, a taste of freedom with such isolation to be endured, as

Alienation in being, as a story never told, I tangle myself in thoughts of what will 

Never be, attempting to move forward, attempting to forget, an accomplishment 

Not coming to be, but a life that will be, graciously anew to me

Ubiquitous in lies showing painful litany cursing my dystopian utopia destroyed, a fervor of

Passion of low hanging fruitful intentions lays positing unkind

Purposeful respite from absolution adorned, as darkness perceived

You will feel my wrath, you will enter the mouth of the river, a streaming consciousness of

Boundaries adrift in fragmented lines, acceptance asserted, frailty of fear lashing in hope, life

Well measured and infiltration of mind endured, just another day in my life, boundaries exist 

No more

Forgiveness has bled from me, in isolated forms, in my own quiet state, I let go, pain, betrayal;

Human behavior all washed from my life as cleansed

Forgotten life drifts superfluous in sanity

A mother of streaming consciousness

Faded to perceptions written in abyss,

Maddened thoughts in reality enlarged, 

A fateful day for your own demise

I have breathed breaths of resilience as compassion of human faith, as a reservoir of assumptive

Love for all that can be

I have given myself as a wearer of pain, human pain, to deliver what is larger than me

To give faith to those that believed, to give hope to those that lost their way, in each of us

Rests all that could be, just as with I, a knowing to dig in, to that which I bleed, as when

All seems lost, when fate appears sealed, we must look within, to discover that which we

Know, will drive us to be, a fortitude of strength and resilience and in us is our divine

Glowing inertia compelling us to fight, each time, not for the last time, but for the future to be

I have loved I have endured

I saw you, gazing into my sight, a trepidation of blind belief, an alchemy of creation 

A mixture of given human tastes

Love and compassion guided me through my own history in life, flesh of burning temptations

With brilliance of renaissance flare

Love is a story told, a journey of semblance balancing life and death, a paradigm of thought

A phantom in its existence, hidden within us, encompassing those around us, but rarely seen and

felt as...

Phantoms of nobody piercing darkness

Symphony of desertion, tyrannies in stories told, fear arose from unknown words 

Alleged in consequence, a fortunate fate, baiting into reels of fatal depictions, as a 

Sordid history quakes from your tears, a lost soul forgotten in winds brisk in sway

Leaving you naïve

Tethered thoughts indistinguishable and dashed tolerance for given tones of malignancy, a

Structured deficit in gained losses, in pitted congruities

Faith intolerable, a system of thought streaming out of pure consciousness, a tinted depiction of

Self 

Together we rise through the past futures apprised, 

An encountered affect illuminated through gaze for thought, 

A semblance of distilled faith and lack less hope, darkened in crystals as refraction of light  

Together, as glory and faith against relentless evils of persuasion, of 

Destructors of dignity in disease, a lorded tale common in history's existence

But each our own; as a black plague of perjured strength, taunting our souls as to be, but

Masked to devour our most common moral beliefs

Together, together we can be stronger, more resilient, more of what we desire to be 

Together, we can deepen the ashes of fatigued fate of decadence

Together, our assumption of the unknown can be quelled, 

Bear the strength of shear will, 

Live in the fear of the uncertainty 

Accepting hopeful diligence in acceptance 

Delivering yourself from the layer of disguise 

When all is lost and you are left, again, to fend for your life, an isolated resolution lighted 

But faint

You scream and yell, emotions well quelled, shivering alone, but cracking abstained; as 

Fuel for your inward flame, you grow in strength, molding your iron steel faith, a man of

Beaten dignity and decimated pride, slowly waiting till his sword of life to strike

Touted in pain of self-incrimination, a holding of thoughts and patterns

An artistic score of canons of faith, dignity has arisen, flamed ignorance in jealousy

Dissolved into passing winds unable to sway, built to exhaust, built to withstand the

Ephemeral fate from which it came

Dignity arisen as blissful peace, a deliverance of your soul wrecked through the rampages of

Hell, torn from your dissolution of self

Pride rose within me, as a pendulum of posturing isolated intricacies of doubt and believing,

Swinging momentum concerted into effort in time, settling an identity of moral perseverance and

Blind faith that lives in you as your very own

Conquered ineptitude of self-recognition, life laid in denial of artistic visions guiding your

Sanctity, staying fear of cognition of doubt; steady you held, self-awareness arose

My identity lost in wages of war;

War internal to myself, waged in duration

Of thought, in purpose of conjectured given

Definitions encouraged damaging myself in

Bits of tattered assumptions of inertia;

A cruelty not lacking the benign, ciphering what 

Fuel still powers my will, what is 

Against elusive pain lifting me from

Chains of bartered conceptions, of constraints

Undenied, as a forbidden future is hidden

In a forbidden past

I have lived in sweat, tears, love, hate, anger of

Self slitting my soul into two, as a dichotomy 

Of my own, of a turpitude devised

Into each I go, into each I die, into each

I will one day rise, until then, lost in between,

No longer whole, no longer in neither

Exploratory hope has died, excruciating out of 

Existence, denied from me from all hope lost, from

All that could be written to all now that is lost,

My hate and anger lives in my beating pain, under 

My skin, buried deep, coursing my ventricles of self;

Hatred lays, falseness in diseased protrusion

Inside me it is, that which I wish I never knew,

That which has risen as smoke from the 

Flames below, from his breathing breath, smoldering 

Of light, I can no longer endure, crushing

My innate light, by now disposed, lighted

Flames of goodness, as bluntly so, darkness

Assumes its position in my sins, as the smolder 

Grows, my light, it is time you go;

Timid indignations, a migrated assortment

Of self, anguished fear unwarranted in meticulous

Distaste, an ineffective will, discovery of cantations

In the benign, in the suffixes of abbreviation;

Atonement layered in thoughts endured, of cycles 

Of darkened circles of trust, a boundary of 

Horizon, a lightened sense of self tiered against

Rings of hell shaded through assertions infinitive,

Unbound I have been subdued, as effects of 

My tone has run its course, a lacking ingrained

Effects of my tone ring false upon his ear, an

Unconsciousness of sustenance, unbelievable pain

Ill defined, a salted veil of inertia only intended 

To kill, intended to deny, litanies unadorned,

Fated in lies distracted to deny you your voice 

Of disruption, your pained temperament utilized against

You, a symphony of destruction upon you penetrating

Your consciousness with fear of denial, with fear of 

His hate, my phenomenon now unenlightened;

Again, the whisper incurs its wrath upon me,

Disguised again as a muse of fate, penetrating 

My hope, relinquishing my soul of its faith of all that 

Could be, of all I believed, in fated existence denied,

Anew one inlaid, as has been;

Weaker I grow, my body consumed with consumption

Of self, my organs diseased and rotted, the pain buried 

Deep inside me exposed by his hiss; this time is different

This time is from within, in my internal realities 

Of construction, breaking my soul into shards of 

Penetration, slicing my insides crucially so to ensure

This time, I will rot away from my core, never to 

Revive, never to be, never to exist, as I believed I 

Could be; this time, it is the end of me

Slowly in agonizing acceptance, in shimmers of 

Glass glaring like mirrors shattering with reflections

Of self-reflecting the dispersion of my 

Soul floating away from me, leaving me

With no way to be, with no future of fate, just 

Mere acceptance, just mere nothingness

As the darkness arises, the glimmers of light, glimmer of hope

Protracting, lacking, but clear, is it enough

As my soul leaves my body to gather the pieces

Of my broken self, to deny the penetration

Of him into the mirror of self into all I broke into;

How much more can I endure how much 

More must I live in the obscene, the pain is 

Too functional, the pain is too rabid,

Too fierce upon my resistance, a metabolic

Disease rapturing me, but can I say, no more,

Can I stand once again; collected fragmentations

Designed to devour me internally, designed 

So I will never stand, designed so I will 

Continue to shatter into uncollectable pieces

Of my sins scattering this earth for eternity

Forever will I?

My lacking heart of passing delusions is

Impenetrable, too much damage has been uncured,

Too much has...

When am I, as I shudder, I ask, as I enter I ask

Pieces of a broken whole or a self lasting in 

Forms of being, where can I find me,

Where am I to see, where am I?

I can see, as I am dispersed, in each little piece,

A little bit of me, terrified and afraid, frantic

In my state, scouring bits of how or what I use to be,

But in each little piece, I soon realize,

Those are only reflective of me and only in the light

Is it that I will see;

You see, he does not live in me, but perception 

Of guises, a reflection of your fear built into

Our antiquities of humanity, self-reflection perturbed

By his will, perceptual beliefs misguided, depicts 

Inward against the self, in not potentiality, but 

In doubt of what one believes, in the anxiety 

Of influence devouring on pasts as our path designed,

A systemic penetration, a protrusion of illusion

Masking our true selves, as a mirror of fear

Rather than glass of clarity; lacking sight, we,

I, begin to see, nothing as they are, but what

My lies behold, in mirrors of doubt, my surmise

Lived, in mirrors of doubt, his intention lived in

Me with lacking doubt

Yet, with all lost, with all betrayed, myself

Sparkling against inflections into my soul, I 

Begin to rise, no longer will I hide, no longer will

I surrender to pain, hate, anger, self-disgust;

Self-loathing in introspection; no longer will I 

Give to his breathing breath upon my 

Existence, to his mirrored depictions of internal

Fears, to what in wreathed my soul through 

Buried aspects of my tainted past; no longer

Will I endure breaks in reality, in cognition 

Of consciousness devouring me through bleakness

Of depths disallowing atonement, furthering

Me into a vortex of a metaphorical death

Wrapped in darkness entangling my strength I 

Rise, I rise to my consciousness of self, my 

Unrelenting perseverance of faith, my unsheathed self

As a muse of strength, as a tale in depicted human narration

In this story, my life is told, not as a man of 

Flawed contradictions, but a man of undying

Resistance to all that haunts him, to all 

That has challenged him, to again,

Stand in vigilance against, to deny compromising

Illness of hate, as a shielded reflection

Of all that should be, as one should be

In me I found a strength of forbearance, in me I found deliverance in antiquities of self,

In me I found the will of my soul,

In me I found...

A brute force of will, a habitation of my existence 

Deep inside of me

A longing for exposure, denied in laying; 

Exposure arises, a state of consciousness unknown,

Unleashed I am, in hibernation I leave

As I recognize all of me to be discovered,

All of me previously undisclosed, but apparent 

In others I begin to realize the effects on me

Transpiring against all, fight to be all

A grit of determination, a bitten rouge of

Human disdain, into the apple I sink, 

Forbidden to live, as Adam's history is retold;

A flamed conception as humans we are

To live in the constructs of those still undefined

An exposure to fatality we wish to deny,

A history of self we all wish to...

Leave to stories we have heard

In my journey I have discovered in each of us,

The ability to rise, above the contraptions built,

In our moments last, to live in each day anew

From what has previously been past

A decision of ourselves to decide our future 

Fate, as a discipline in faith that what 

Has not been will one day come to be,

Belief and hope are our muse, a muse to infiltrate

Our soul's history's past, a fathomed mentality

Of human American distinction

Human pain is an existence of comfort

A positional state of being, bleeding as 

Our identities attaching us to our sins through

Adhesions in compulsion;

I am human, I have failed and I have faltered

I am as human as art, an expression of all that is

A taled story in life's expression inward as I am on my journey that is each our own

A self-longing seeker of why my existence must be

An artistic interpretation of a soul unrecognized, 

I engage with who I am that I found

A believer in faith, a human term that holds no bounds, 

An endless state of perpetual motion in growth,

An ever ending existence of self in a constant state of discovery

Until we learn our eye line never ends

As this is a journey of my humanity told, a depiction in our 

Human faith, a depiction of our sins weighed against our path

As lived experience is our human condition, our experiences

Giving us opportunity to decide, to live in the human perception

Of our perpetual state of being, an acceptance of our existence

But with the human will to overcome, to persist, to live in our

Relentless nature to simply decide and simply let go and choose next time I will be better,

Next time I will decide differently, next time I will…have faith

Faith is a perpetual motion of existential pursuit, inclination of innate persuasion

A persistence upon humanity, a begging of pleading born into our souls, 

A human tone of intention lined with phenomenology of sight,

A perspective of feeling delivering our identities obscured,

In this faith we discover a humanity in our creation, as a perspective of art

Admired from above and loathed from below, and in this we lay

With the opportunity to create, our paths of existence in between

The choice and the decision to live in our own path of creation, 

In our own ability to create our pasts through thoughts of who

We can be now, a future full of hope and overcoming, a future of 

Decisions we all hope we make, as works of art here on this earth

To simply decide through creation in our identities of artistic expression

Who it is that we are and who it is that we will be, as stories of 

Human art, as a concept of a canvas to be painted by each of ours’ decisions

PART IV

Bleeding my soul into this earth; I can't see,

The darkness too rich, the pain bringing too much depth 

The bottom feeling endless, the light too light for me to see

Further down I go to the oceans depths in an endless sea of demise 

The pain tears me into a lifeless existence floating without cause, floating without purpose, 

A flickering of self fading from being 

My failures worn on me ravishing my thoughts 

Turning me into just a piece of this earth, an 

Unintentional cause motionless without care; 

The suffering unfaced, the pain to brute to bare 

My existence withered, the pain just barely began, 

I unleashed my pain upon those with evil will,  

The further I went devouring their realities in sight, 

A muse of my existence, I penetrated at will, 

A theory of self living as someone else 

The torment I brought still causes me fear 

I hunted in blind faith, in that all will be well,

Excreting my pain to those who knew my story 

As those watched my depressive state conspire, 

A conspiracy was built, to follow my pain  

And let me unleash my anger to bleed 

As a roaming thunder for lightning to strike

I unleashed my sound, bringing hell abound; 

With each strike, I struck a blow not knowing 

The force of my will will also deter my own,  

A delivery of faith through relentless self-defeat 

I gave life my all, resigning to be, a failed 

Perspective of grace, a disturbed infliction 

Compelling me to bleed, this, this cannot be 

All there is to me 

As I know in time, the light will again flicker in me 

As I am, as we all are, human as art

An expression in forms, living theory of 

Faith if we only learn, our lives are our interpretation 

Of each of us to see 

Today lives in acquiescence of faith  

A deliverance of self discovery between months and years 

A totem of thought of configurations, 

Alignment of internal perturbation; 

Given guidance from heavens above,  

As raining light absorbed by the soul 

My life endures as belief in faith,  

An acceptance of all this remains unseen

Acceptance of what endures as living in me 

From birth as a gift of what previously was unknown in; 

Paradigms a shift, bathing in declination of aspired aspirations  

Perception of thoughts furthers me into shifts of experience  

Longing for exposure, as my sense of my quintessential self explores its relation to the world; 

My artistic conveyance of self guides me forward

Fainted in hearted deceptions of sins occurred 

A deciphered soul of lives past 

My path, my journey has left me here 

Morning of afterthought, forlorn longing in expositions of credulous disdain  

Excitable through treatments of facts conjectured upon propositions to be as so  

Anointed by reason, supplied through pure faith, a story is told; 

I have clamored beneath fear 

Quivered in its enactment of sheer terror 

Entangled in threats to humanity, as a nearly sacrificed soul

Transpiring as a delusion of thought, a shadowy existence, 

A shadow tied to me, lurking not upon me, but upon

Others intentions upon me, acceptance is given in blind confidence of faith 

A perspective in reacting then a perspective in calming,

As my shadow presumes my consciousness is near, 

I turn my head away, simply knowing my shadow is simply there,

As I continue on and pray, let me nor those I love know that day   

My story isn't just about me, as friends 

Watched me break into a million little pieces 

Of what I was meant to be or use to be

As family stood by firm in the ground saying, 

You have so much more to see 

If you just look inside, you already are who you were meant to be 

A risen history of a human's purpose, 

An intention upon this earth, if you can only see 

You are who you were meant to be 

Not a symbol of tragedy defined, a paramount failure 

In human desire, but a philosophical hedonist of a life well lived 

A perspective on life, a bleeder of human light 

A radiating soul burning light to let us all see 

Who we can aspire to be, a symbol of pure 

Faith in what our lives should mean 

A wearer of emotions, a true believer 

In human blind faith; 

You, if you could just see, you are  

Who you were meant to be 

In time you will begin to see

In each of us is  

Who we were meant to be 

In each of us is a persistent belief to know, 

To simply know our encounters with life are given 

To us, to simply decide 

That each of us just need to recognize that what we aspire, who we admire in others burns inside

Of us as a light 

If we just pause, just for a little while and recognize, it is our own light we need to follow

In my eye you will see, my gaze of

Of all that can be, a perpetual disposition 

Of thoughts in faith, a willingness to be, an aspired 

Conjuring of humanity wishing you to believe 

A mimicry of human freedom, a freedom in thought 

A freedom from human entrapment of a constrained 

Soul, raptured in self-defeat, but living in his 

Own perception that he is here to see, 

In my eyes, I will make you believe, that

In my sight of your own, you may live in all you are, 

A vision of self-reflection, a mirror of blind faith; 

In your own ability to rise up, to overcome, to accept 

Your human life not as a plague of coincidences,

But a coursing flow of your own consciousness unknown, 

A light forthcoming of your own existence of essence, 

Your own brilliance you deliver upon your life; 

Use me as a mirrored reflection, use me as  

Your muse, as a binding conjecture of self;

Identity, an aspiration of your aspirations, an internal 

Suggestion of me with you, allow me to bring to you 

What rests inside of you to shine forth, a sparkling light of 

Human resilience, disturbing your own sense of peace, 

Disrupting your external posturing of a self manifestation; 

Through norms of conflict, through desired affect 

To perturb the existence of others, to portray yourself 

Upon them as a satisfied step; let the disturbance 

Arise so one day you may sing, I arose through  

Displeasure and discomfort of sin, I arose through 

Engagement of self, a willingness to let go and say, 

I shall be me, an identity of hope, a personal 

Perception of inward reflection devouring your egotistical 

Self of aesthetic appearances of expectations expected, 

Removing what finds your pain, abandoning what comforts your outward  

Mirror of desired perspective no longer 

Your definition of self, no longer your aggregate being, 

I ask you to rise against your inclinations 

Of self posturing for positioning of who you are 

And singly accept to yourself, this is me 

Not a banal assortment of thoughts and perspective

Not as a delusion of self swaying in propositions, but

In sway abided by out of fear of loss 

To rise to all you are, to rise in deliverance 

Of your human soul as a bliss upon this world, 

As a gift for humanity to see

As a presence of light, a beacon of being transpiring 

The darkened fates hidden in each of us, as  

Given vision expelling darkness into light 

Bringing forth the glisten of your shining light for 

Yourself to see; bring forth your dignity of faith 

Allowing yourself to be seen 

Singly as you are, an existence of human faith, 

A symbol of relentless pursuit of all you are  

And what you aspire to be 

As a person, you merely are, a human reflection 

Of who you came to be, a path in each of us 

A path that is each our very own, a path to simply be 

If you take this step I assure you, you will  

See, beyond what you have previously known 

A life free from perception of bonded constraints, 

A life free from forms of your history's past 

A self bleeding from your pulsations of being, 

In habitual faith in yourself to be 

A living embodiment of what all truly want to see, 

A person living in blind faith of what they are to be; 

The decision is yours, in a moment of thought, 

Take the steps of faith and engage to what

Is unknown as an act of compulsion that  

Has lived in denial as a broken mirror of  

A sorted self;

Allow yourself enough glimmer of hope to 

Pick up the pieces of your broken self reflections so 

You can clearly see 

That you are all you are ever meant to be, 

A beacon of light, a lucent soul traversing this

Earth as you were meant to be 

A symbol of human light, radiating the mirrors of others 

So each fragmented reflection will become pieced together 

So each of us can refract upon each other

You are the beauty of my sins, a refraction 

Of all I wish to exceed, the glaring tones you hint 

Upon me sulk into my essence as a soothing 

Lavender of pedals giving my soul peace to rest 

As I begin to lay, picking up the pieces of 

Myself with glimmers of hope, resting in me 

Thoughts in a candle lit, a refraction of self arises 

Clarity in lack of fear, a penetration of my soul 

Given to me from within, given to me by you; 

I gather all I am, I gather my depictions of  

Inward incisions no longer merged with pain, 

But with potentiality in rising to a self long denial 

To a self of fruition as a natural fluidity in being 

Piecing myself again from fragments of consciousness 

I no longer lay, but have risen, risen to the cause of human intent,  

Risen to an effervescence in human artistic depictions, as a glorious soul 

Painted not upon the veil, but upon the canvass of humanity  

It is now up to me to paint across this earth 

Using humanity as my canvass, using  

Inspired aspirations to be as my muse; 

Atonement is given as I learn my history 

Is lacking to what I truly have ever known, 

My true nature now, I will show all to see 

From you to the next, I will engage and  

I will enlighten, purveying your need, providing 

Fuel for your fire, as was once done for me,  

I will do for you; 

I will see you this night, you will see me  

Each time you turn right and when you 

Are lost in a direction, I will point you straight;

I live inside of you, as he lives inside  

Of me; all creations of art, all muses to be 

Once your light is lit, you will continue on  

Spreading to another the direction of the light 

Not as a symbol of what you wish to be, but as a  

Symbol of what you have become, for you are now  

A muse to give to this earth, to incite another human’s light

I have lived in human pain as an  

Existential state of being, a perspective 

In thought, a psychosis in hope, a belittling 

Of self with introspection inlaid 

The suffering I endured was always overcome 

As a mere faith in blind hope and belief 

When all was nearly lost, when all others 

Decided I will never rise again, alone in a  

Corner of inflamed indignation, I  

Looked not at others, but inward 

And in me in this moment, gulfed in flames 

A broken fragment of self in pieces of self hatred, 

Received just enough glimmers of hope;  

A sparkle from the depth of the ocean 

So I swam deeper and deeper inward, with only 

One breath left, trusting my techniques 

So I would not drown, following in the  

Vastness of despair consuming me from within 

Just a light of my refracted self, allowing me to begin 

My journey of self discovery to extinguish the fires of hell 

By swimming in my oceans deep 

Lost in self thought, lost in human pain, one thing is true 

I never lost my faith; 

Human faith is all I know, an innate state of being 

To this day, I will say I nearly lost all, and to this day I am all alone 

I lacked substance in heart, a world that has still not healed 

I do not have another human in my sight, I live in solitude even when around;

I live in torment of the fact that I simply care, lacking a tone for exposure 

And still without hope in sight, with pressures and fears unknown to most, 

I must push because faith is within me; 

For all I cared, for all I gave, I have simply suffered,

Only faith keeps me here and only faith will get me there

PART V

I felt your flirtatious nature

You are an excursion into my soul adrift in my passions woven into my being

A beautiful persuasion of your senses upon me, an arousal from within

A soothing light swaying my emotions, disrupting the patterns of my heart, 

I saw you as a muse of my perfection;

I wear my pain as a story of faith;

I admired you as to what all can be,

The disgrace I feel from a fallen self

Smashing the beast of brutality,

Pain is the misery of years wrapped up in a moment

Sketching my sins in each moment’s time,

I criticize your heart while extracting your soul, devouring

As I gazed on misfortunes of mistrust,

A passionate heart deprived

The delicacy of your sight caressed my gaze

A sight of purity, a fostering of vision,

Perpetual bliss in aspirations

Desiring to portray emotions and connect them to the soul

I hunted with deranged eyes of a written soul plagued through lack of forgiveness

Plagued by my mind rotting my beliefs  

A warranted dining of sins exudes from my smiling grin, a morality of lost causes

A bleakness in my eyes disturbing my vision    

Patronized by historicity of self, a psychosis in demonic beliefs curbing my puritanical nature 

For the life of the Good well lived

A psychological affair, an easement of my existence   

As a forgotten legend of profound allegations  

A wearer of human destruction, a hazard to my health, as I am ill-advised for you to perceive 

For beneath the illusion of sheep  

Is a wolf hunting its prey carrying a plague upon its flock

A disease of forethought and uncovering of the skin,

In layers of reality I hunted, in my legendary pursuit to purvey the psychology of a wolf 

Who now never existed  

Beautiful persuasion of incandescent tears 

Dripping in lit fears 

A deciphered past of intolerable cruelty  

A digression of souls? 

Digression of faith?  

A journey of self, acquired through pain  

A self, lacking hope, but in hopelessness arrives a symbol of faith  

As I caress your sins  

Beast of brutal force upon my destruction,  

Beautiful assassin of sin,  

Brute beast of brutality,

Disposed traditions of identity of self mitigated to forms of a vision long lost 

Foraging for your sight, losing vision in  

Fruition of self, an undeniable specter;  

I am the architecture of despair, the buoyancy of pain, floating in my misery

I am the beast of your mortality, the one grazing upon your sins, the one devouring your soul  

I remember what caused the pain, my indiscretions alleged, as aesthetics of sins burying my

Intentions of fate, a hidden gem covered in perceptions, a burden of discovery

A burden to unravel,  

Cloaked in veils as layered externalities of self, laying in me the truth, laying in others the lie, a

Riddle procured through brute strength of my will, an exchange hidden, not lighted in sight, but 

Lighted in the heart;  

I saw you in motion of a moment, as existence in itself  

The air around you penetrated with your presence  

In this time, I saw, in this capsulation of space and time  

I breathed, breathless 

In my delusions lays a parallel of fate  

In you lays a timid soul, urging to be known, urging to be touched, swayed by my passing, 

Pursued by my passions  

Let my anger roam this earth, let my displeasure dissuade you   

Let the bleakness of your heart reign  

May the weathers of disdain float away  

My life is a series of thoughts, a consciousness in effect  

Obliged to self denial, a distortion of receptive causes, 

Pulsating inclinations,  

The beast of good will,  

The exerciser of intention;  

The disgrace of my sins lay in  

The phenomenon of pain   

The smoothness of my soul  

The tenderness in it touches your sight  

Through the burdens of bliss a stroke of a flame endures  

To be aroused through scents of your exposure  

When I dove deeper I dug harder, self discovery, as a perpetual motion of seeking  

Where does my beautiful digression live, my muse of artifacts past; 

You are an extension of myself  

You came into my life as an existence of thought,  

Let go of that which you fear the most...your failure, your connection to your past identity, 

Step into the fear and let it go  

Hammer out yourself

Build your character;  

It is my path in life to fall down on my face every day to rise again

You are an extravagant intention upon me; 

A beauty of human desire, a radiating light of golden shine exploiting my most pure desires to

Exist as one with you, to be one with you, a parallel projection of ourselves, 

A mirrored inward reflection of each other bonded in the fate of our undeniable existence

I bathe in your sight, in your extravagant protrusion of self upon me

As your story, you transcribe your soul into my being

Your history of self, your desire to know me as I am

And in this story, I too, wish you knew me, simply as I am

I can't trust this feeling, arriving in waves of indignation and disturbance of self

A melancholy in human disposition, an assertion of self as unknown;

Gripping me, paralyzing me with thoughts of self-defeat, of thoughts of disturbance quelled,

A psychological warfare of self,

I cannot live in denial any longer, in a delusion of thoughts that this isn't me, that the cadence of

My being is not what it is,

A painful adherence to a life measured against the unknown, a remembrance of my place in this

World, a painful deliverance,

Acquiescence heeds me to my reality, a toned symphony of what is laid before me, a deafness

Resonating to life around me

As if I can see but cannot hear rhythms static in flux, brutality beating at me with a stronghold of

This is who I must be

This is your life, a feeling adrift, a conscious thought of simply, accept, brutality before you

This is all you will ever see

I am sorry for the pain, the failures as a person built out of my own pure desire to leave my

Impact on the world, as things should be, not as they are, but in the ideal, to make each life

Better, to, in the end, make our lives better;

My pursuits, selfish, ill advised, questionably not worth it, rings against my consciousness with

Brute force of pain I have caused, to this day, I only wish to repair what has already been

Broken, an ability so far, not foreseen

I am sorry I cared for others, I am sorry minding my own business is not my inclined state, I am

Sorry that, to this very day, I have no way of fixing this; suffering still to be endured

I wish there was another way, another path, but the path is clear, for my pursuits, Good was done, but for me, only suffering has arisen and, in this suffering, I see no end

Because I cared, because I ran for the hearts of others in the ego of my own design, I fear, I broke more than I can repair, more than I can take, more than either of us can endure

I am truly sorry

Born as a selfish ego for humanitarian desire, a lack of understanding in all that wounds this world, a debilitated state of naivety, a faith in this position

As unseen attributes of someone who cares, as someone who desires in this life 

To see the world just be

Consumed with faith in our human existence for each to breath breaths of my own blind faith 

As a tapestry of human feats

Admiration of those that care, that give themselves for their unknown purpose, that live in what

They provide to those around them, living in each day as a day worth living, as an attitude of

Acceptance this is what I have to offer, this is what I bring to this earth, this is how my life will

Transpire; in front of you, you will see, as I live each day in this simple bliss this is all I will ever

Be and this, this is good enough, a position I wish I could clearly see

My humanity is leaving me, dying in a breed that does not exist, as an existence not recognized in the world I am living, the pain bearing down breaking my strength, as the world turns, I cannot see, the joy in others a reminder of all I have lost, I just cannot see the beauty in human life, a clarity disposed in my fantasy's now adrift in turbulence I live, in what is now gone, my life, no longer can I endure

Woven intricacies in a life unknown in patterns of raptured fainting of breath

Scolding myself for a life not well lived, for a position of faith, no one will ever see;

Hiding in corners, my eyes are pierced, asking why, why I still bleed

Why darkness captures my heart in no one I believe, in no one will my light be seen

An aftermath effect of giving your heart so others succeed, so others believe

A solace effect on my own consciousness, on my own perseverance

On a steady gaze of sight, now lost to leave me, as all else has done, as all else will be

One day allowing me 

To see, what I feared

Gave me the person I am

To be

As all I lost will one 

Day be regained

As I am still living,

I am here to fight

Not as a failed state

Not as a failed self

But as a prospective on being

Why I was born

To overcome, moments like this

As a hurt person

Who at this time

Doesn't understand

But one day will;

What is so special about me?

One who is debilitated by pain

But so much more,

Just as you are 

Clearly still here

We are beacons of light

Pure faith in overcoming

In light to be seen

A human that simply believes

We do not give up

Even when strapped to our plight

A band of people who will never snap

Because in us is an inner strength

Built from desolation and despair

That will not stop

Through hate and anger of 

A self living in repair;

We will recover, we will deliver

In despite of everything

Because we know,

We are still here

You are the persuasions of my catabolic delectation upon me

Craving to consume me, craving to gorge on my essence to be

Now a cadence of faith, unremorseful, so unable to wear my pain

Leaving faith behind, leaving existence as a burden for others to care

In this day I am now lost, in this I leave, no longer obstructed

Not a shimmer in sight, not a belief within grasp

Life is where my soul dies, but also where it begins

Encountered belief in suffering as my only state of being, as my pursuit in life, to cause assured

Pain as my life will endure, ingrown suffering as an acquired taste for blood, sucking not only

My life dry, but those I cared about, those that meant the most to me; with all gone, I cannot let

Go, suffering has consumed me with rabidity in thought

My repetitive habits, my constant cycles, your loathed appearance upon me as a man that never

Rose to his ambitions of how life should be,

Constant misunderstanding that in time will heal, in time, will be a part of me and for this 

I am thankful for;

I wish things were different, I wish life was not so brutal in its lessons, I wish sooner

I could have understood your belief was always there

In this, is where I am born, from your persistence I have gained, from your cycles of human pain conveyed as only a human can, I finally understand you simply cared, bleeding your heart upon this world through your crippling despair

The brutality of our own is being written as ideology in belief, a petulance of posturing in ignorance of what it means, as a risen positioning of ourselves as people that care, a beat in our existence, as a beating vision that our conversation of disdain will resolve ignorance in identity;

Stories of a me unraveling built through a blindness in a position to care;

My story is my own, indifferent to perspective of being, as I live in freedom, human freedom, from perspective of thought, free from self denial, free from believing that a life lost is my cause

A persistence to continue when the others are saying otherwise;

You, do not represent my consciousness of thought

I represent this ideal, as do each of us, in our daily lives, continuing on

A posturing of cause attempting to defeat a perceived thought upon things as they always were

A constant badgering of self-defeat tethering hope in our existence that never was,

An unwarranted conjuring of value to only align oneself with purpose, a lost cause in effect

When is it the freedom of our lives, where I find our values, our highest ideals

Feel my tragedy, feel my wrath, a failed person living in intimate demise

In a perpetual state of insignificance raging in me with veins pounding;

With its perceptual twists of tragic human fate living in me, as my story denied me as, 

A beating heart to breath

A denial of strength, a perspiring of fear relinquishing me of my faith

A broken stroll, a broken stride in effect, a crippling loss of attention to a guided sight

Cracks have widened, gaps exposed, crumbling of self, a faltering of me

Endured vision now dispersed into melancholy of despair

A conjured self now a disposed will, tossed into my own abyss

As you travel across this earth, penetrating the air around you making your presence known,

You reach out to me, you persevere upon this earth becoming known to me 

As if you were put on this earth for me, to teach me what I should be

A fragrance in the wind, a being on this earth, an archetype of beauty all should see

Follow me into my dreams

Chase me into sunlight

Arrive when my sun sets

The cynical nature of my sins courses my soul with exuberance and effect unknown to most

But my life with endure as a duty to blind faith

PART VI

Faith lives in me as who I am, an undeniable affect upon my life, an unrelenting cause of existence, to shine my armored light upon this world without cause or intention nor effect upon myself, with only pure love for those in need

Faith, we touched, closely we held each other, a significance in thought, an emotion of feeling, together as one, as a flirtatious adventure musing us to this moment, when both, holding each other closely, tightly, with our consciousness met, meeting as we begin to learn, who we are and who we are together

I never knew who I was meant to be without you

Lost as I was, now found through your sight upon me

I met you, I became like a flower blossoming when in your sight

Wilting without your light

My passion is the human existence; the human condition of faith is my purpose 

I roam this earth as a rabid fury of faith, 

A disturbance upon a lost soul, a torturer of fate

Longing for the disturbed, a reconciliation for concern

As we engage, as we apprehend

Captured souls living in conceptions

Of thoughts circling our hearts

As woven intricacies not humanly 

Innate, but angelic in feeling, a sensation

Of being, a being of us

Tethered partners enduring as mankind, 

A uniquely distinct assortment of selves

Aligned intuitively as people to be,

A faith in being, that one day can be

In each of us exists a natural state inclined;

A disposition of self, a posturing in our grace

Sitting in our position of unrecognized faith

An efficacy of choice we will all learn

A gaze lurks from within you, a gaze that one day will

Rise as a goodness in heart, as a statement of belief

Unconsumed by stories lived, as a conception of being

That excites in each of us an admiration endured

Your consistent apprehension to surpass what precedes 

You close in on me; us, as no more an illusional fate

Of potentiality in seeing what resides in each

A storied decision to decide, a belief in hope inclined,

A preposition on being, an intricacy of self entwined

Just as you, a story of being, just as you, a story of self;

I too will one day endure your patterns of faith,

A relentless source of endurance lasting

A symbol of human faith, you are my muse to see

I saw you, as a lighted sense of self explored

My absent soul with promise of my rise

A glimmer of hope, a feeling of being, that

With you, I will no longer be a lie

Shedding decadence of despair, shedding chains of

Despair, a discipline in enduring, in faith to overcome

The blistering pace of this is burning, the painful

Rise of blistering ill effect of my conscious despair,

Atonement not lacking, but in my pain is clear

A sabotage of self-torture even through faith in 

One day conceiving my hopeful state of being

Will one day rise beyond constructs of mind, 

An altered version of reality hurting my plagued mind;

As a wolf I will endure, but as a human I will die, 

Decisions to be made in human pain and despair

Am I to live as a purposeful design, am

I to live as a human work of art

Or in this disease capturing me

From forms with history's wrath of human confinement;

A tortured soul, a rise to pure belief,

As an undenied demise to presumptions in disguise

Tell me, because I do not know, I cannot see,

Blinded by this veil or a conception realized,

A painful artfulness is upon me and I plead 

Will someone tell me, there is more to life to see

Because on this day, I may no longer be

The symbol of human faith

I thought I was 

A story yet told

A self of being still not conceived

I have lived beneath the gutters, addicted to pain

An artful intention upon myself, as a lured invasion of being

As an artifice of destruction, the war in my soul raging

As an internal structure waxing and waning in self-hate

Living as a man of faith who cannot find his way

To this day, my vision is blurred with more pain to be endured;

Arisen in me is no longer faith, but a plateau of animosity,

A lack in belief as my mind cannot escape

Lost in apprehension, lost in this disease, a webbed

Entanglement capturing all I do not wish to see, all

I don't believe

I don't know how much more it is that I 

Must endure, that I must see, things

Once blind to me

Please I do not want to see

Your brutal attack on me, your brutal savagery

Rapturing my existence expelling my sense of self-worth

Through pain and despair

Lost in consciousness I am becoming, a lost being;

I am dying, a corpse to be as I simply can't let go

To all you have caused me, to all you have pained me

All your rage to consume me; soon I will be your own

Soon I will not be me, soon your decrepit

Disease upon me will not allow me to see

That once I was only me

A tandem of choice, a parallel of faith of coherence,

A once enlightened self being destroyed by your sight of my choice

Decisions in life I just cannot escape, my faith and belief in choices

Now a delicacy to supremely deny, a fact enlarged

That to this day, as I engage you do not see, you do not believe

That I will one day not be a rotting corpse of disease

But I, like you, like others will rise and remember, being is our purpose, faith is our design 

And in this is where our existence will arise

 

End

Amrican Poet Ravaging Pain

By R. Cary

Copyright 2019