Because I, Too Far
After “The Body In August” By Robin Cost Lewis
By R. Cary
Because I pushed my boundaries too far. Because I have exhausted myself, uncertainty lingers. My bones are worn thin. My vision of my life once so clear is clouded in choices, lack thereof. Because I pushed myself too far, my certainty is lost to allusions of once believed. Holding my breath because I do not know what else to do. I drain every corner of my body searching to see, to know, to sense what my life has become. A faded star? A falling star? My breath held. I hold longer, harder, deeper. I only hope. Blind faith escaping my sensitivities. Tangibility is what I seek, holding my breath to feel. Because I cared. Because I love. Because this life matters, I have lost myself. Meaning. What does this mean? The loss, the success. Because I pursued, I failed. Because, my enemy of choice. Always rational always explaining, excusing. How will I ever forgive myself? My body telling me this is it. You cannot survive anymore. Change or life will cease, burn into nothingness as it falls from the sky. A once believer of uncertain certainty. I can ascend no more. I can only fall. I hold my breath even more. Because I do not quit, my breath forgets to breath. Breathless. I begin to accept, because I want to be better, the world to be better. Because I will do what no other will, has, I fear I will not be able to let go and hold my breath until life ceases to exist. My resilience, my greatest friend and worst enemy. If only I could stop, I could live freely, openly. Exhaustion caresses my veins slowing my intentions. Because, in the depths of my body I know. Without thought. Without effort that in my interior, in my caverns is the truth I lack to know. It is there, I just need a glimpse. A sensation, go deeper. Hold your breath just a little more. You will find it. Your because is your highest purpose. Your because is why you will never forget. Your because is your why. Your why is your purpose. In your purpose is your meaning. Meaning, your why, because you know you will not fail. Because you are the only one that can, will, that is enough. The losses are high, but the wins are higher. Remember, your because came from your vision, your beliefs, your desires to make this world a better place. This pain, the frailty of your bones, your inability to breathe, the failing of your body, the dimming of your light. This is the cost. It is the cost because you are willing to bear it. That is enough. What you have done is enough. And what is most important, you are not done. In your breath your body will remember. Just a little more focus, just a little more breathless days and nights and you will remember. Let your body figure this out. Give it time. It knows what to do. Your because, it is not in your mind, it is not a logical consequence. It is lived and decided upon in your body. Because you know this. In time, your because will be your source of breath. No longer holding. No longer not knowing. Only knowing, your because.
End
Because I, Too Far
After "The Body In August" By Robin Cost Lewis
By R. Cary
Copyright 2023